Please Save Me Lerd, I'm A Prop Fer A Atheierst Comedian Help Lerd.

Lerd, please help me. I have been brought in for probation violation. I was found trying to purchase viagra at a dance clerb. Lerd Help Lerd. Damned Liberal Slert Judge,has gotten approval for an alternative sentence. I'm now a prop in a so called edumactional talk by the demonic Bill Meher! Lerd Why am I forsaken Help Me Lerd. 
Lerd he is crazy. He claims he eateth not your bounty of Mcdonald's and frozen pizza. Maybe that is why he is crazy. 
First he brings out another old man. Who is a Gerd Damned Egghead, says he is 70 like me but walks fast everyday, does that gay demonic yoga, eats so called fresh veggies and some lean meat. Oh Lerd. 
He is 6 feet tall and weighs 189. Oh Lerd He madeth a pact with the devil. Then Bill Meher has a nurse stab me in my ass cheek. And water gushes ferth. Claims I'm 5 feet 9 and 400 pounds, cuz i sit on my ass, and eat salt ridden faux food all day. Lerd Help me. 

Then the real dinger. He says why I'm put out on display. when asked why they are being so cruel to me. He says all I do is ride a scooter, eat fast food, and pop hard on pills, play with a penis pump, and chase drug addicted women about for sex. All on the tax payers dime. All while per kids starve. And that I'm sentenced to this for attempted rape. Satan is amongst us Lerd. Help me.And he says that old egghead volunteers feeding fucking bums 3 times a week. Fuck him.
And finally he says I inspired in part this rant.